The Destruction of Superheroes

[Almax]

https://chyoa.com/story/The-Destruction-of-Superheroes.26985

This is only my second ever sex-stuff story, where I'm already pretty out of my depth, and it's also in a completely different style to how I normally write, so I'm in a double-depth disaster. It's only short right now, but there's still enough to read to hopefully give some feedback and advice, so if anybody has the time to give it a go and get back to me, it'd be super duper appreciated!

 

[Zeebop]

Chapter length is good, writing is decent, you've got reasonable decision-point questions at the end of each chapter so that you could branch if you wanted to, even if it's a little linear at the moment. A little exposition-heavy in the beginning, but nothing wrong with that. You do have a few moments of gender confusion, for example:

Stargazer rose up from where he lay, bending over deeply and sticking her ass into the air, to laugh loudly directly into his fallen body's face. This went on for several seconds, before she noticed something.... through the crotch of the spandex. His dick was....

If I had a recommendation it would be to expand the sexy bits...so far you've got a defeated Superman-expy spurting jizz while unconscious from a villainous handjob. It feels like you could have done a lot more with that. Maybe focus on her sexuality, likes and dislikes, experimentation, powers. Does she like taking advantage of unconscious/defeated foes? Is this something she's been dreaming about, or a fetish she's developing? Does she feel bad about it afterwards, or excited, or both? Can she use her electrical powers to stimulate people to orgasm with a touch, or without touching them? would that help her commit crimes or defeat other heroes? I think there's good room for character and plot development there.

 

[Almax]

Thanks for the feedback! I fixed up that line you quoted, I hadn't made it at all as clear as it should've been.

The sort of "plan" I'm thinking of right now is that the villains are all unrelated, and it's just a bunch of heroes all over the city getting unlucky in succession. What's there so far is kind of like a super duper long introduction, so Stargazer probably won't come back into it again (other than maybe mentions) until it's time for Supremacy vs Stargazer 2, and then she'll be gone again. I was planning for the other Superheroes' bits to have more sexy stuff in them, but also it's still not a strong point of mine. I'll work on it!

Thanks again so much for the feedback, it's really really good to know what I need to focus on to improve. I might go through and read a bit more of other ones like this to see how it can be done better. I hope that the rest of your day goes well!

 

[Almax]

The story's at a point now where it'll be easier to see what I'm going for, if anybody wants to take a quick look and help me out! Again, I've never really done anything like this before at all, so I'd like to know what I could be doing to be doing it better, y'know?

 

[Haoro]

I've had a read of your story and there was a lot to like! The setting is interesting as a kind of homage to superhero comics down to the Superman and Wonderwoman expies both of whose humiliating defeat was very hot to read. The writing was good, and I didn't notice any obvious spelling or grammatical errors. Good descriptions, especially of the fight scenes and uses of powers keep it interesting. The sexy scenes are fun and imaginative.

A couple critiques I had. First of all, the three routes you've got completed so far are all rather similar. The heroine with superstrength/durability of some kind always ends up outmatched fairly quickly and in pretty much the same way, her breasts get exposed and teased until she can take no more and gives up. If that's something you like then fine, it is rather hot to read, but maybe you could have a girl getting defeated in a different way, like just overpowered and dominated physically by a stronger foe while realizing she enjoys it too much to fight.
I think the setting lends itself to a lot more different ideas too. I'd like to see a route where it's maybe a well-meaning supervillian who gets molested by an anithero or something to give it some variety. Or maybe another route where it's a male hero who ends up humiliated aside from the opening. Just a change from the three you have where it's a superheroine who falls to a villain.
I'd also like to see some more imaginative uses of superpowers. Like maybe have a telekenetic villian playing with their helpless victim without having to touch them, or a speedster like the Flash who instantly attacks their victims weak points so quickly she can't even react and orgasms everywhere. I think this setting has a lot of potential for imaginative ideas like that.

Just some ideas I had while reading. It is your story of course so write whatever you enjoy and I can see you've started two more routes which sound like fun. I'll keep an eye and enjoy your work now matter what you write, I'm sure.

 

[Almax]

Thank you! That was such a thorough critique, it's awesome to get such precise feedback like that. That's probably a good call, saying that the three so far are somewhat similar -- I think it might be because this is me trying to figure stuff out. What might happen is that I subconsciously see something that works and then make smaller changes to it, because I want to see the boundaries of what works, when what I really should be doing is completely WILDLY different stuff so that I can see the extremes of what works first!

I do have a bunch of other ideas written down, and I really like some of the ones you suggested, so I'll definitely try incorporating the differences that you recommended and some others for them (probably not all that well to begin with, but that's what we're here for!). Thanks so much for taking the time to read it and then write that up, it's so awesome to get such thorough advice. Have an awesome rest of your day!

 

[Almax]

Also! I may as well put my secret plan here, because it's not really that important to keep it secret and one of the points you made was sort of about it -- I was planning to have a bunch of superheroes losing (maybe 12-ish? Maybe more), and then finish off with Supremacy vs Stargazer 2, where the reader has a choice that decides who wins.

If Stargazer wins again, then there'd be a BIG conclusion to the story and Omen City is doomed. But if Supremacy wins, then it'd link to a new hub chapter where suddenly it's the heroes all having comebacks (probably all new heroes, but maybe mixed in with some old ones -- maybe Demolition Girl's all angry and panting, with sticks in her hair and a new tan, after walking all the way back to Omen City with her torn uniform to do some work -- or maybe Destinate has a surprise victory that puts her on the up-and-up, you know!). So then you have the hub which links to the heroes losing, one ending, and another hub of the heroes all winning again!

That was the thingy I was planning to do later down the road, because I think it'd be nice but also because it means I get to learn how to do even more sorts of stuff, which is super my goal.