The Lord Of The Ring Feedback

KingTubbins

KingTubbins

Virgin
Hi guys, I am a very new writer on CHYOA, with my first story being found here - https://chyoa.com/story/The-Lord-of-the-Ring.44131

Chapters are posted every few days and I am starting to get into the swing of things so I may write chapters in advance, instead of writing them then publishing them the same day.

However, the main point of this thread is for me to gather feedback on my story and what I can be doing to improve my writing skills. Help is greatly appreciated and feel free to say whatever you want about it, nothing can be too negative!

Thank you!
 
First thought: You're going to want to fix your image link on this page: https://chyoa.com/chapter/Training-Montage-1.1143988

Second thought: You've got it set up for game mode, but it doesn't look like you're actually using that or planning to use that. It looks like you've tried to set up a variable for your protagonist's younger sister's name but it isn't actually working yet.

Third thought: The prompt questions at the end of the chapter usually work better if you put a little thought into them beyond "What happens next?"

Writing-wise, you might want to do a once-over for grammar and punctuation - if you have Grammarly, that might help you catch some of the periods you are missing. There hasn't been much in the way of sex yet, so I can't comment much on that, but as far as power fantasies go I think you've set up a lot of potential scenarios, and now you might want to explore them a bit. Does absolute power corrupt absolutely and all that.
 
Zeebop said:
First thought: You're going to want to fix your image link on this page: https://chyoa.com/chapter/Training-Montage-1.1143988

Second thought: You've got it set up for game mode, but it doesn't look like you're using that or planning to use that. It looks like you've tried to set up a variable for your protagonist's younger sister's name but it isn't working yet.

Third thought: The prompt questions at the end of the chapter usually work better if you put a little thought into them beyond "What happens next?"

Writing-wise, you might want to do a once-over for grammar and punctuation - if you have Grammarly, that might help you catch some of the periods you are missing. There hasn't been much in the way of sex yet, so I can't comment much on that, but as far as power fantasies go I think you've set up a lot of potential scenarios, and now you might want to explore them a bit. Does absolute power corrupt absolutely and all that?
Click to expand...

1. Yep just noticed so that has been changed now, didn't realize!

2. I haven't found a situation in which to input the younger sister yet so I'm not sure whether the variable works, but looking back at the character introductions it appears to work, so maybe?

3. Yeah I completely understand, that's just due to a lack of originality on my part,

Cheers for the feedback, I appreciate it!
 
With the exam period over, I can get back into publishing more chapters, if anyone has any feedback after reading the story so far, please let me know!
 
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