The Processor of Remnant

M

MaxFlames123

Virgin
New to this site, let alone the forums, so I hope I'm doing this right.

I had an idea after reading another story where Someone on team RWBY or JNPR finds a standard Master PC type computer, and after a quick and clear test to see if it is real, freaks out and points it out to the others. Pyrrha quickly takes control of the situation and uses her semblance to make the screen unreadable before making a deal with everyone, that anyone at could use the machine once a day to make any change to the world they wish, but only them, and only on the next day. Everyone begrudgingly agrees as she uses the machine to ensure it would work that way...

Only to slip back into the room at midnight and use it so anyone using the machine can only put in something that Jaune would like. (In a separate chapter of course so anyone else could make their own version where someone else used it early for whatever reason.)

Pretty much just popping on here to ask if anyone thinks it sounds like something they would read, or any suggestions related to the idea.
 
Sure, why not, I like me some Master PC. :)

Unsollicited advice: don't worry too much about whether someone will enjoy it. Pretty much anything will find an audience out there, somewhere. More important than if we'd like to read it is if you'd like to write it, though! Writing is a lot of work, and if you don't enjoy it, you're... well, you're not going to enjoy it. :P
 
TheLowKing said:
Unsollicited advice: don't worry too much about whether someone will enjoy it. Pretty much anything will find an audience out there, somewhere. More important than if we'd like to read it is if you'd like to write it, though! Writing is a lot of work, and if you don't enjoy it, you're... well, you're not going to enjoy it. :p
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Thanks for that advice! I'll keep that in mind as I write the story
 
I really like your first paragraph. A lot of authors make the mistake of trying to explain everything. That's really not necessary. Humans are pretty good at deducing the meaning of words from their context, even unfamiliar ones. And in any case, not everything needs to be 100% clear immediately. On second thought, you might've done this accidentally, by assuming everyone is familiar with RWBY? I'm not, though, and it reads great! A subtle explanation of what a semblance is might be helpful, though, later on in the first chapter. I'm also a little confused by this 'Kyle' the computer keeps referring to. Is that Jaune's dead relative? It might be a good idea to have that mentioned somewhere.

I like the setup too. I'm very bad at setting up stories to allow for branching myself, but here it's pretty straightforward: every day someone makes a decision, and if you want a character to make a different decision, great, add your own branch!

My main criticism is that so far this could be a G-rated story. Not everything needs to be about fucking, but there should be a sex scene soonish.

Other than that, I don't really have feedback yet. The story only barely got started and it's not clear yet where it's going (to me at least). So far it looks interesting, though!
 
TheLowKing said:
On second thought, you might've done this accidentally, by assuming everyone is familiar with RWBY? I'm not, though, and it reads great! A subtle explanation of what a semblance is might be helpful, though, later on in the first chapter
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Ya, unfortunately it was accidental, so I'll try to put an explanation in somewhere around there.

TheLowKing said:
I'm also a little confused by this 'Kyle' the computer keeps referring to.
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Whoops, a bit of something I had thought I edited out of it already, thanks for catching it

TheLowKing said:
My main criticism is that so far this could be a G-rated story. Not everything needs to be about fucking, but there should be a sex scene soonish.
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Ya, I can see what you are getting at with this, and I'll try to incorporate one in soon
 
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