Unrequited and Everlasting

[SalaciousLimerick]

Hello! I'm new to this scene and I'm just looking for friendly attitudes and unrelenting critiques. That, and suggestions for how to most effectively use the main site.

This is the link to my story! Incest warning!

I really dislike the title of my work, but I haven't decided on what to change it to yet. So I'm open to talking about that. My intent for the bits that I write, is that there's gonna be a lot of sexual stuff happening very often. I know why people are on the site. Though each sexual act is going to elevate the plot somehow, since I want to write a story here as well. That's the plan. Speaking of plans, I'm currently outlining my story, since I'm trying to figure out how exactly I'm gonna go from voyeurism and denial to love and sex. I struggle a lot with dialogue and dirty talk, so if anybody has tips on that or good examples to look over that would be awesome.

I would love to hear thoughts, advice, or anything else! Have a lovely one.

 

[Haoro]

This was a really powerful read. I'm not a huge fan of incest stories in general, but you really got across the painful yearning of so badly wanting someone you can't have in your main character. I could feel her agony in your vivid descriptions and it made me feel really sorry for her. Here's hoping for a happy way out of her dilemma! Of course it's up to you which direction you take it though! What you have planned sounds good to me. I also prefer sex scenes that have a purpose, and the progression from watching to doing with your awesome descriptive talent is going to be a great read, I'm sure.

As for dialogue during sex, yeah it's a hard one, something I struggle with too. I think it's best to make sure your dialogue fits the situation. So don't make it too clever or complex if it's just two desperate people going at it in the throes of lust. I know as a writer I have a temptation to obsessively analyze every spoken word to see if it fits properly, but sometimes just writing more freehand and natural can get across your ideas better. Just short, snappy dialogue is best during ordinary sex, the fewer words the better.

One small criticism. It can be confusing sometimes to see who's doing what in your story because the first person narrator sister refers to her brother in the second person, but then you keep writing him as 'you' even when it switches to his point of view instead. I know when you first made the change to writing his viewpoint I didn't realize anything had changed and got confused. The switch isn't always clear even later on. I do like the idea of the sister writing this story almost as a letter to her brother, because it does make her pain sound that much more authentic, but maybe the change in viewpoint can be made a little more obvious.

Otherwise, looking forward to more!

 

[Conan The Librarian]

Well, that was one of the most promising starts I had ever read in this site. I voted in the poll you have on your profile last night. To be honest, both getting the gf involved and going behind her back seems like fantastic options and I would love to read them both. Whatever route you choose to take, I' would recommend that you take your time and that you don't deliver on 'the goods' too early. I know that sounds ironic coming from the guy that has a sex scene in almost any chapter that he has ever written, but I think your story would benefit from being a slowburn type. You have exposed your premise masterfully with a small scenery and a small cast of characters, and now (I think) would be the time to slow down a bit and develop more the relationship between them and build up the actual incest. Thomas should be quite conflicted about his feelings, Elizabeth should be ashamed, and Emma should eventually get suspicious that something is wrong, even if it is not actual sex yet ( I would particulary love if Thomas would get more distant with her sister and is actually Emma the one to tell him to "be nicer with her."). The strongest part of your writing is how you have expressed this unrequited desire and longing, which is perfect for a story centred around a taboo, so play strong to that and go slow and tease your audience all you can, don't get them to fuck too early and start with smaller things. Too many incest stories with a similar premise get the characters too fuck too early and then it results in scenarios like "now he gets to fuck his mother, and his cousin, and his other cousing, and his other sister..." to keep the interest. This few chapters had told me that you can do better that that.

 

[Zeebop]

It is very linear so far, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, as what you have is fairly well-written and you've set it up with actual decision points/questions for when and if you want to create branches. So kudos to that.

Can't say I'm in love with second person, but that's just personal preference; you do a good job of keeping the identities distinct, and you don't fall into a lot of the beginning traps that people writing in second person tend to fall into. I think you might benefit from a little more detail and variety in the sex scenes, but again, that's personal preference and it's early days yet, plenty of time for you to go in all sorts of directions.

 

[SalaciousLimerick]

This was a really powerful read. I'm not a huge fan of incest stories in general, but you really got across the painful yearning of so badly wanting someone you can't have in your main character. I could feel her agony in your vivid descriptions and it made me feel really sorry for her. Here's hoping for a happy way out of her dilemma! Of course it's up to you which direction you take it though! What you have planned sounds good to me. I also prefer sex scenes that have a purpose, and the progression from watching to doing with your awesome descriptive talent is going to be a great read, I'm sure.

As for dialogue during sex, yeah it's a hard one, something I struggle with too. I think it's best to make sure your dialogue fits the situation. So don't make it too clever or complex if it's just two desperate people going at it in the throes of lust. I know as a writer I have a temptation to obsessively analyze every spoken word to see if it fits properly, but sometimes just writing more freehand and natural can get across your ideas better. Just short, snappy dialogue is best during ordinary sex, the fewer words the better.

One small criticism. It can be confusing sometimes to see who's doing what in your story because the first person narrator sister refers to her brother in the second person, but then you keep writing him as 'you' even when it switches to his point of view instead. I know when you first made the change to writing his viewpoint I didn't realize anything had changed and got confused. The switch isn't always clear even later on. I do like the idea of the sister writing this story almost as a letter to her brother, because it does make her pain sound that much more authentic, but maybe the change in viewpoint can be made a little more obvious.

Otherwise, looking forward to more!

Thanks for the kind words and the advice! I’m not quite sure how to get the reader attached to the main character, but I’m at least glad that I managed to evoke some emotion/pity out of her suffering! We’re going to have to see if it ends happily, I’m not sure what path I’ll write first, and I never promised happiness, only sex. That seems like some pretty good advice about dirty talk, I think a big problem with how I write dialogue is it ends up being too verbose, especially during sex, which can end up being a little weird. I tend to overthink dialogue more than anything, and it never really comes out just the way I want it. Hopefully that'll come with more practice!

And I totally get what you mean about the view points being confusing, I’m trying to figure out how to balance that so it isn’t so awkward, and I’m sort of cursing myself for using 2nd and 1st person at the same time, since I’m not sure if it’s really worth it for the story. I'm not really sure if I should tether the story to the sister? That would I think help a little bit, but I want the reader to know what their character is doing, so I need more time to think. More than once I went through a chapter replacing a bunch of pronouns with other pronouns, just to see if it works better. Still not so sure though! I might stick with it just as a way to practice with my writing, since I think in the future, I will want to write 1st 2nd and 3rd each as well as the other. Anyways, thank you so much for your reply! It means a lot and it’s super helpful to get an idea of what people are thinking when they read what I wrote. I hope your day's been great!

 

[SalaciousLimerick]

Well, that was one of the most promising starts I had ever read in this site. I voted in the poll you have on your profile last night. To be honest, both getting the gf involved and going behind her back seems like fantastic options and I would love to read them both. Whatever route you choose to take, I' would recommend that you take your time and that you don't deliver on 'the goods' too early. I know that sounds ironic coming from the guy that has a sex scene in almost any chapter that he has ever written, but I think your story would benefit from being a slowburn type. You have exposed your premise masterfully with a small scenery and a small cast of characters, and now (I think) would be the time to slow down a bit and develop more the relationship between them and build up the actual incest. Thomas should be quite conflicted about his feelings, Elizabeth should be ashamed, and Emma should eventually get suspicious that something is wrong, even if it is not actual sex yet ( I would particulary love if Thomas would get more distant with her sister and is actually Emma the one to tell him to "be nicer with her."). The strongest part of your writing is how you have expressed this unrequited desire and longing, which is perfect for a story centred around a taboo, so play strong to that and go slow and tease your audience all you can, don't get them to fuck too early and start with smaller things. Too many incest stories with a similar premise get the characters too fuck too early and then it results in scenarios like "now he gets to fuck his mother, and his cousin, and his other cousing, and his other sister..." to keep the interest. This few chapters had told me that you can do better that that.

Aw, that’s really nice of you to say. And thank you so much for doing the poll, that’s really helpful! Like I mentioned I’m still figuring out what should happen and when, what type of relationship the characters will have and so on, so it’s really awesome to be helped a little bit knowing what the actual readers want. I went into this hoping it would be a slow burn type of thing, with the sexuality becoming more and more intense over time. I’m concerned though with keeping the interest of my readers, since I don’t really know how often they want sex stuff to happen, how to pace the story so that sex stuff doesn’t feel overcrowded, and how to make the sex actually feel meaningful and emotionally satisfying. I think that just comes with practice or reading more porn (not complaining about that), but it’s something I hope writing this story will help me improve on! I’m very anxious about audience retention in my story, since so many people drop away before reaching the end! Thank you sooo much for the suggestions by the way, I will certainly keep them in mind, especially the notes and ideas about the dynamic between Emma and Thomas. And that’s a good point about not rushing to sex too quickly, I don’t want my main character to just go on a dominator quest after filling and finishing his sister. It’s as much a love story as it is a sex story, so I want it all to be about them! Again, thanks a ton for the words, suggestions, and advice, it means a lot! I hope all is well!

 

[SalaciousLimerick]

It is very linear so far, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, as what you have is fairly well-written and you've set it up with actual decision points/questions for when and if you want to create branches. So kudos to that.

Can't say I'm in love with second person, but that's just personal preference; you do a good job of keeping the identities distinct, and you don't fall into a lot of the beginning traps that people writing in second person tend to fall into. I think you might benefit from a little more detail and variety in the sex scenes, but again, that's personal preference and it's early days yet, plenty of time for you to go in all sorts of directions.

You’re right; it’s very linear so far! I sorta hope to add some other branches, but I’m worried that I’ll already never finish this first path, since I’m pretty bad with sticking to things. I’m planning on getting this one path done first, and then doing others, but I’m not sure if that’s the best idea. Do you think it would be better to just try and work on multiple paths at the same time? I was thinking of exploring different relationship dynamics with different paths, so that more people could find themselves comfortable in the story, but I’m not sure if I should do that or just focus on one path. I’ve considered that this site is literally meant for choosing multiple paths, but part of me hopes that other people might be interested in adding other paths to the story if they so can think of one, or maybe I can set the stage for one, since I want to start other stories after I’ve reached a fair conclusion for this one!

I usually don’t write in second person, and I also don’t really like reading it! Especially when the character does something I wouldn’t do myself or feels a way I wouldn’t, I’m of course fine with that for 1st person and 3rd person but with 2nd there’s an expectation that there’s some grounds to it I suppose. Another reason why multiple paths would be a good idea to get started on early. I sort of went approaching this in one way, and now I’m sort of stuck with the 2nd person 1st person blend. Can I ask what traps do you mean? Thanks so much for responding, and for the suggestions! Personal preference is exactly what I need, since, what am I doing but trying to provide what the reader prefers? Hope this finds you well.

 

[Zeebop]

Can I ask what traps do you mean?

Starting every sentence with "You" and "Your" - the personal pronoun is common almost by the nature of second-person, but it gets tiresome to read lots of sentences in a row that start the same way. The benefit of second person is having the viewpoint of telling a story as it happens to the person, so there's room there for things the reader has no knowledge of and can't expect; instead of telling them how they react, however, you can show the physical reactions and let the reader put themselves in the right headspace to imagine that happening to them.