Would appreciate feedback on my story "Gandersnatch"

A

Apple687

Virgin
Though I've previously added about 40 chapters to others' CHYOAs, this the first time I've actually started my own story, "Gandersnatch":

https://chyoa.com/story/Gandersnatch.20033

Synopsis:
In 1984, porn director Stephanie Butler is trying to adapt the erotic novel "Gandersnatch" into a porn film. But like the author of the original novel, her life becomes ever more like an erotic story and she starts to question her reality, feeling her destiny is being manipulated by the intervention of some godlike force. (An erotic parody of "Black Mirror: Bandersnatch", but should still be understandable if you're not familiar with the original.)

It's currently 8 chapters deep and I plan to expand it in future.

Bearing in mind that I've written only the early stages of the planned story, here are a few points I would appreciate feedback on:
  • Do you like what I've written so far?
  • Does it turn you on?
  • If you're familiar with the original, do you appreciate my pornographic adaptation of it?
  • What do you like or dislike about it?
  • What was your favorite part?
  • What could I do better in future?
  • Which aspects would you like to see expanded upon in future?
 
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Hey, providing a link to you story might help. You could put it in your signature for example. :) People can find it more easily then.
 
  • I think it's a decent start so far. The choice to go with ENF as the main fetish for this project was a great idea in my opinion
  • I wasn't really turned on by the sex scenes but in a way that worked for the narrative. It showed how the main character didn't really want to go through with the acts. The sex read like it was very mechanical, but again that worked for the narrative.
  • Too early to say, but you have big shoes to fill. Bandersnatch made great use of meta-humor and was one of the most entertaining things I saw last year.
  • In turn I think adapting Bandersnatch presents the issue of how faithful you want to remain to the source material. People familiar with the source material aren't going to be all that thrilled if the story is predictable. Part of what made Bandersnatch so good is that just about anything could happen, and that in turn made it unpredictable.
  • So far, I'd say the use of imagery was really jarring. I'm not always against it, but I felt the story would flow better if you'd just described the characters/the cover. The first image of Colette only shows her face and nothing else.
  • On that, it lacked physical descriptions of characters. The only thing I can say about Mohan and James is that Mohan has an average-sized dick, and James has a large dick. Also, the only way we get any idea of what Colette looks like is if the reader goes to one specific scene.
  • Overall, I think it has potential, but you need to put more character descriptions in.
 
Ben Rosewood said:
  • I think it's a decent start so far. The choice to go with ENF as the main fetish for this project was a great idea in my opinion
  • I wasn't really turned on by the sex scenes but in a way that worked for the narrative. It showed how the main character didn't really want to go through with the acts. The sex read like it was very mechanical, but again that worked for the narrative.
  • Too early to say, but you have big shoes to fill. Bandersnatch made great use of meta-humor and was one of the most entertaining things I saw last year.
  • In turn I think adapting Bandersnatch presents the issue of how faithful you want to remain to the source material. People familiar with the source material aren't going to be all that thrilled if the story is predictable. Part of what made Bandersnatch so good is that just about anything could happen, and that in turn made it unpredictable.
  • So far, I'd say the use of imagery was really jarring. I'm not always against it, but I felt the story would flow better if you'd just described the characters/the cover. The first image of Colette only shows her face and nothing else.
  • On that, it lacked physical descriptions of characters. The only thing I can say about Mohan and James is that Mohan has an average-sized dick, and James has a large dick. Also, the only way we get any idea of what Colette looks like is if the reader goes to one specific scene.
  • Overall, I think it has potential, but you need to put more character descriptions in.
Click to expand...

Hmm, that is a good point about unpredictability, I will have to think more about that.

I was trying to use images from around the real-life 1980s era, which has proved more difficult than I thought it would be. Maybe I am constraining myself too much there. Do you think I should take out the images or what?

I will consider going back and adding in more character description. Admittedly character description is not my strong suit, hence why I sometimes use images... but I think that worked better in my modern-day writing where I had a wider range of images to choose from.

Anyway, I'm glad you think it has potential at least!
 
Apple687 said:
Hmm, that is a good point about unpredictability, I will have to think more about that.

I was trying to use images from around the real-life 1980s era, which has proved more difficult than I thought it would be. Maybe I am constraining myself too much there. Do you think I should take out the images or what?
Click to expand...

I'd recommend against using images for the most part. It restricts the types of characters you can create, and in your case, you are going to struggle to find enough images from the era. If I was you I'd delete the images and describe the characters.

Apple687 said:
I will consider going back and adding in more character description. Admittedly character description is not my strong suit, hence why I sometimes use images... but I think that worked better in my modern-day writing where I had a wider range of images to choose from.
Click to expand...

I'm not the best at character description, but in short, I'd say the following:

  • Focus on the important features that stand out of the person. What draws everyone's eyes to this character? Is it their sky-blue eyes, or their large breasts etc.
  • Readers are no matter what going to have their own perception of how a character looks in their head.
  • Try to avoid exact terms such as 34 DD breasts, and 6'5 tall. It makes your writing feel mechanical as if you're reading a police line-up.
  • Remember to keep the flow of the story going. This is one of the harder aspects of describing a character.
 
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