You Are An Orc (Toni Daring's big gay plot forks)

[ToniDaring]

Pimping my fic for feedback. It is mostly porn-for-porn's sake, but I take consistency and coherent setting seriously.

I stumbled on the story in a web search for naughty fantasy content and was intrigued by the potential of the format in allowing me to contribute in relatively short installments - my free time is limited and interruptions frequent.

But I was also disappointed (if not precisely surprised) to find little to no straight up male/male content. If I wanted to read goofy fantasy Big Bois getting all humpy, I'd have to provide it myself.

I have had to bend some of the conventions of the original, to make room for kinks of my own, but feel I have done so without derailing any other plot chains.

The one where my brain seems to have gotten the most traction begins with the chapter, "Ask your two brothers of Strength (m/m alt)". This picks up immediately from the introductory chapter of the story.

Your readership, thoughts, etc. are appreciated, although I know it is niche content. If it's not your thing, please don't put yourself through that on my account!

 

[Zeebop]

Stylistically, I think you need to break up some of your dialogue. For example, when you write:

"Dude, look at him go..." Kurag, speaking past you, a smirk in his voice. "Aw. yeah," growls Gurag. his belly shaking somewhere just above you. "Here, Little Bro..." His big hand taking you by the back of the head, so you don't need to do more than open your mouth and hang out your tongue, as he wipes his cock with your face. "All yours, little dude," he says, like offering a little kid candy. Licking, sucking, savoring. "You deserve it. Still got a cork in him, Kar?" So much cum. And you feel Gurak's cock swelling under your lips and cheek, sliding under your tongue.

All the different speakers are sort of jumbled together. If you break it out, the chapter looks a lot longer, but it's also easier to read:

"Dude, look at him go..." Kurag, speaking past you, a smirk in his voice.

"Aw. yeah," growls Gurag. his belly shaking somewhere just above you. "Here, Little Bro..."

His big hand taking you by the back of the head, so you don't need to do more than open your mouth and hang out your tongue, as he wipes his cock with your face.

"All yours, little dude," he says, like offering a little kid candy. Licking, sucking, savoring. "You deserve it. Still got a cork in him, Kar?"

So much cum. And you feel Gurak's cock swelling under your lips and cheek, sliding under your tongue.

If I had a recommendation for improvement, you might add more descriptions of the players involved - height, weight, fit, fat, skin color, ear pointiness, etc. I'm not sure where you take things from here plot-wise, but consider introducing challenges...maybe the protagonist is too sore from his first time to take it up the ass anymore, and they have to work on his oral sex and handjob game. Or they tie him up and tease him until he can cum hand's free. Maybe he feels differently around other orcs (or other intelligent humanoids) now, gaze drawn to places he wasn't, that sort of thing. Add a little challenge to overcome, even if it's only his own awkwardness and lack of confidence.

Or maybe the bros bring a (male) Elf stripper to the next lodge meeting. I'm just spitballing here, I haven't read many chapters from the overarching story so I'm a bit hazy on the setting details.

 

[ToniDaring]

For that particular scene, it was jumbled, as Twins Stereo, to the subject's perception. They are also pulling a massive bamboozle, and confusing him on purpose. But I get that if the reader stumbles, whatever I intend it to do, it doesn't. Fair call.

I do see other spots where I don't break a paragraph for a new speaker, without that dubious justification, however, and agree that is bad.

I try not to bog down with descrip blocks, but when I come to a place where, say, the lead is considering these points, himself, I'll give them page space. Otherwise, I mostly invite the reader to employ their own imagination in speculating as to what, precisely Orc-armpit and butthole might smell like. But the gist is that to the protagonist - himself an Orc - they are good smells.

My take on Elves: males are rare to the nobility. Common Wood Elves - plenty of boys. Their Rite of Passage is playing Prey to the were-Wargs of the Wildwood. Our Hero will have to face that rite, as well, if he's to truly understand his Half-Elvish nature. Booty-boy boot camp - it's coming soon!

Thank you so much for the thoughtful input. I'll come back, and hit these reminders, when I need encouragement.

 

[ToniDaring]

Also, my comma usage is idiosyncratic, and I am addicted to em-dashes. It's an ellipses! It's a semicolon! It's Alt+0150! :3

Those are points of style, not grammar, however and I stand by them.

I am still personally puzzled by my own tone in this. It's a bit goofy. But, then, IRL sex often is goofy, and also I think I associate Orcs with a titanically popular MMORPG which likewise has its goofy, cartoony side. No idea whether the humor is incompatible with the overall effect, but I hope it keeps things light.