Don't be silly; ghosts aren't real

I

ivanl

Virgin
Hi everyone! New writer to CHYOA here.

It'd be really great if you could give my story (https://chyoa.com/story/Don't-be-silly,-ghosts-aren't-real.47915) a read! Right now, it's basically an ENM/CMNM story with slight BDSM themes; as the story progresses I might bring in other stuff.

I'd love to have any feedback on anything under the sun, for example:

Do the scenarios require too much suspension of disbelief?

Is the story easy to follow? Does the prose flow well or are there any awkward sections?

What other decision paths could I have included?

What would you like to see in other not-yet-published chapters?

What are your impressions of the characters so far? I'm not sure if I've managed to get their personalities to shine through yet

Thanks in advance!! <3
 
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I like it! Male/male stuff isn't something I'm into much, but both main sex scenes (in the dorm and caught by the group) are hot and well-written. I wish the third paragraph of "Sit back and enjoy the show" had been a bit longer, though. Cedric could've struggled with his attraction to Ethan some more, and I think he deserves better than "ten minutes later, he was done". :P You can gloss over a lot of exposition in an erotic story, but you should definitely describe every lurid detail in your sex scenes. The rest of the scene does that very well, actually, so it's kind of strange you skip over Cedric's jerk-off session almost entirely.

The first chapter definitely felt a little strained at times. It goes from "everything is boring" to "the trees eat clothes now" pretty quickly, and though they comment idly about the weirdness of the weather, their actions aren't influenced by that realization at all. Then once the night is over, the guys seem strangely unaffected by the events, other than feeling annoyed that they lost some stuff, which strikes me as very odd. In one branch, Cedric abandons all common sense when he returns to the cemetary alone, and in the other, Cedric and Ethan seem more occupied by the (relatively mundane) events in the dorm rather than the supernatural ones in the cemetary.

I strongly advise against publishing incomplete chapters and placeholders. When people subscribe to your story, they will only receive notifications for new chapters, not for updates to existing chapters. Opening a placeholder chapter is also just a disappointing feeling. Just leave your incomplete or placeholder chapters as drafts until they're finished.


I would definitely like to see Cedric get into more trouble. There's an idea floating in the back of my head of an unfortunate individual getting caught out somewhere, and then passed around helplessly from person(s) to person(s), each inflicting new erotic tortures upon them. There's shades of that idea in this story with the caretaker passing Cedric to the group, and I'd love to see it continue. :)
 
Thanks for the advice! It was exactly what I was looking for.

The incomplete chapters came from the approval process; I had them as drafts, but I didn't realize they'd go live as well when the story was approved, and after that didn't think about removing them. I blame new parent brain :p I'll go do that now.

About the supernatural stuff - in my head, Cedric and Ethan are adamant in their belief that the supernatural doesn't/can't exist, so they don't even truly entertain the idea that it was anything more than a set of coincidences and just dismiss it out of hand. They won't be able to deny it anymore after the next 1 or 2 chapters down either path... >:D

Is it generally considered good/acceptable practice to rewrite or add large chunks published chapters? I'm thinking about making C&E's dismissiveness of the supernatural much more obvious, and definitely want to expand on the other points you mentioned as well. ;)
 
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ivanl said:
The incomplete chapters came from the approval process; I had them as drafts, but I didn't realize they'd go live as well when the story was approved, and after that didn't think about removing them. I blame new parent brain :p I'll go do that now.
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Fair enough. :)

ivanl said:
Is it generally considered good/acceptable practice to rewrite or add large chunks published chapters? I'm thinking about making C&E's dismissiveness of the supernatural much more obvious, and definitely want to expand on the other points you mentioned as well. ;)
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This early in the story, I think that'd be fine, as long as you don't radically change the actual events that took place.
 
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