You, You And Even More You

[gene.sis]

I currently write a chapter for a 2nd person story where the female protagonist is just about to get caught bare naked.

This is my current draft of the beginning of that scene:

Your left hand darts to your crotch.
The other hand grabs your left breast.
Your forearm covers the right tit.
Simultaneously you turn around and instinctively tighten your buttocks.

There are still quite a few of "you" in there and I'm wondering if it would be possible to avoid some of them.
Additionally, it would be nice if the sentences could be shortened some to make the reading faster and to emphasize the short amount of time in which it happens.

Any ideas?

 

[HaremStarter]

Nope YOU are screwed.

And this is why I hate 2nd POV.

 

[BirdOfHermes]

I was able to reduce the number of times "you" comes up, but I lengthened the sentences since the removal necessitated a little dressing:

Turning the other way, your hands dart off for cover.
The left plants itself firmly over your crotch.
The right reaches across to the far breast, leaving the right to be craddled in the forearm.
Only after all of this do you realize turning and covering the front left two cheeks uncovered.
Clenched cheeks are the only protection you can muster.

Is that better? If you want shorter, I can try again, but I'll need more time.

 

[RicoLouis]

Your left hand darts to your crotch, the other hand grabs on the left breast.
Your forearm covers the right tit, simultaneously turning around and instinctively tightening the buttocks.

 

[gene.sis]

And this is why I hate 2nd POV.

Well, 1st person wouldn't be much different in this case.

My left hand darts to my crotch.
The other hand grabs my left breast.
My forearm covers the right tit.
Simultaneously I turn around and instinctively tighten my buttocks.

Same with 3rd person

Her left hand darts to her crotch.
The other hand grabs her left breast.
Her forearm covers the right tit.
Simultaneously she turns around and instinctively tightens her buttocks.

It just avoids one "you" which is similar to the "your" (while I/my and She/her is more different).

Turning the other way, your hands dart off for cover.
The left plants itself firmly over your crotch.
The right reaches across to the far breast, leaving the right to be craddled in the forearm.
Only after all of this do you realize turning and covering the front left two cheeks uncovered.
Clenched cheeks are the only protection you can muster.

Your left hand darts to your crotch, the other hand grabs on the left breast.
Your forearm covers the right tit, simultaneously turning around and instinctively tightening the buttocks.

Thanks for the ideas.
Well, it should be quite short, preferably no complex or compound sentences.


Would this work?

Turning around, your buttocks instinctively tighten.
Your hands dart off.
The left goes down.
Covers your crotch.
The right goes up.
Grabs the left breast.
Hide the right tit with your forearm.

 

[HaremStarter]

In third you can use the person's name i.e. Heather instead of her or a descriptive term such as young blonde or wanton slut. With 1st person you can manipulate it to use I or my. With second you have to use you and it sucks much like 2nd person sucks as a POV. It's not just my opinion. If you research about writing perspectives there is one universal advise "Don't write in 2nd person".

Nothing makes me sadder than seeing a new story by a writer I like and then finding out is 2nd pov. I know my eyes are going to be assaulted with you; you; you; and your.

 

[gene.sis]

In third you can use the person's name i.e. Heather instead of her or a descriptive term such as young blonde or wanton slut. With 1st person you can manipulate it to use I or my.

Agree on 3rd person. (Additionally, persons, action and viewing alternate more often.)
For 1st person, alternating I/my is the same as alternating you/your. Although you and your looks similar, they are basically different words.

If you research about writing perspectives there is one universal advise "Don't write in 2nd person".

If I would write a story where the reader couldn't make decisions, 3rd person would be my first choice.

I don't think that 1st person works for that kind of storytelling.

 

[Loeman]

First person works if you want a narrator, and want the main character to be the narrator. That can be a valid way for a story to be told.

Third person works for pretty much anything. Its very versatile and readable.

Second person is generally odd. People like it for "choose your own..." stories with the idea since you're the one picking the choices, you might be the subject or enjoy placing yourself in the subject's shoes for the story. I don't mind it personally. I can get into it fine. But its an awkward choice for many readers for several reasons.

 

[Kaitou1412]

In third you can use the person's name i.e. Heather instead of her or a descriptive term such as young blonde or wanton slut. With 1st person you can manipulate it to use I or my. With second you have to use you and it sucks

Dialogue presents a multitude of ways to get around perpetually using "you" as a reference pronoun due to dialogue inherently being fluid enough to encompass all three perspectives. Mind you, this requires skillful writing so the dialogue doesn't come off as forced and a clear alternative to narration, but then that's something that plagues all writers no matter the perspective. The point is: a writer who accepts that "you" and "your" must dominate 20%+ of the words in a second person story is a writer who lacks creativity.

much like 2nd person sucks as a POV. It's not just my opinion. If you research about writing perspectives there is one universal advise "Don't write in 2nd person".

Opinion, no matter how popular, is only opinion.

Nothing makes me sadder than seeing a new story by a writer I like and then finding out is 2nd pov. I know my eyes are going to be assaulted with you; you; you; and your.

Those same sources that fight against second person also say that all dialogue is to be announced with only "say," "says," and "said." I've heard zero complaints about how repetitive that is. Also, I see this suggestion ignored in professional publications constantly. So why should I trust these sources?

 

[HaremStarter]

Shouted, replied, answered, rejoined, etc etc. If someone is only using say, says and said they should really check out thesaurus.com.

1st person works for stories with a small cast of characters or if you're really wanting to get into the inner thoughts of the main character. It is limited in ChYOA format but it's still better than 2nd.

2nd person is also weak because it lacks the ability for the author to fully control the protagonist. Since the reader is "you" they will of course project themsevles on the protagonist. The thing is the author does not know you the reader and thus 2nd person becomes an accusatory form of writing with vague weak protagonist. Take these three examples of the same scene written in three different view points.

You are insecure about Helen's meaning. You see her raised eyebrow as questioning your authority, so you pull the trigger. You are pleased at the puzzlement in her last look.

I'm not sure what Helen meant. But her innocent look inflamed me, and I pulled the trigger, happy to see the surprise in her eyes as the life goes out of her.

Paul did not know Helen's meaning. He was incapable of understanding a soul so trusting and pure. Her pleading gaze Paul took as mockery and he pulled the trigger; The cynical man smiled at Helen's stare of surprise and disbelief as light faded from her eyes.

1st and 3rd person are great and I want to read more while 2nd person has me wanting to punch the author. I'm not a bastard that would kill a woman because she looked at me funny fuck that guy.

 

[gene.sis]

You are insecure about Helen's meaning.

You're forcing the reader how they should feel.
Rather show how she looks like and let the reader decide about it.

You see her raised eyebrow as questioning your authority, so you pull the trigger.

You dictate the reader a major decision. Inject the reader thoughts about the cons of not pulling the trigger and branch out.

You are pleased at the puzzlement in her last look.

You should rather describe what she looks like when taking her last breath and make the reader getting that awful feeling themself.


Maybe you can dictate the reader somewhat within the first chapter to have a chance to get them into a character, but then they should be able to act by themself.

 

[LizardGod]

With second you have to use you and it sucks much like 2nd person sucks as a POV. It's not just my opinion. If you research about writing perspectives there is one universal advise "Don't write in 2nd person".

One of my favourtie books is written in the second person (Halting State by Charles Stross).

However I do think people can too often fall in to writing like they are in a cybersex session. People get too bogged down in describing every detail of a scene.

Your left hand darts to your crotch.
The other hand grabs your left breast.
Your forearm covers the right tit.
Simultaneously you turn around and instinctively tighten your buttocks.

That is a perfect example of just kind of describing exactly what is happening. It gets the point across but you could do it much better by compressing all of that in to a single line like.

In shock you scramble to cover yourself.

and then spend time going in to the detail of how that actually makes the character feel.

I tend to write second person mostly because I feel it suits the format of the story on this site best however I try to avoid having the protagonist simple be a blank cipher. Since we are always inside the mind of our character you can have a whole scene play out there.

In the example of someone suddenly being caught naked you have a lot to work with. The shame of being caught, fear of the repercussions of being caught and maybe a unexpected arousal.(Since this is erotica)

Obviously I don't know anything about the character so that is pretty loose but my point is that with 2nd Person story telling it is easier to be in the head of a character than it might otherwise be. I tend to treat internal thoughts like dialogue but with italics inside of speech marks which makes it flow better, in my opinion.

Also I have never understood the problem with using you, in second person it just becomes the same as he,she, they or I.

 

[RicoLouis]

Unfortunately second person does kind of write you into a corner from the lack of words. You and your.
One can be used in some cases. "Ones hands moved to cover you're body."
You can use the names of body parts if you have already said the subject you are speaking about.
Thee, Thou, and Thine, Thy, Ye also work but are dated which would fit better in a fantasy story.

 

[Nemo of Utopia]

Do you know, I've never tried writing a 2nd person story with the "thee, thou, thy, thine" paradigm... I should try that...

 

[hematoma]

I would argue 2nd person is established as the standard for choose your own adventures by the books. By giving the reader choice in the narrative the reader becomes an active participant. Therefore 2nd person is a perfectly valid perspective. I prefer it and I believe it helps with immersion. I understand some people don't like it, but "You" should fade away as long as it isn't embellished just like when you are writing dialogue the descriptive text usually should be kept simple, like "says" or "said" repeatedly. Those words are just pegs you are hanging your story on and if you use them repeatedly they won't distract from the flow of the dialogue.

 

[Kaitou1412]

Shouted, replied, answered, rejoined, etc etc. If someone is only using say, says and said they should really check out thesaurus.com.

And the point sails clear over your head while you simultaneously manage to prove it for me.

I reiterate: those sources that denounce second person insist on using only three words to mark dialogue. It's not a matter of them lacking creativity. On the contrary, this demand of theirs comes from the fact that the manner of conveying how the characters speak can be done with a far more descriptive and personalized manner via narration than with one of these simple words, rendering only these three words necessary.

I pointed out that the repetition of the forms of "say" doesn't offend the creators of these sources, yet repetition of the forms of "you" does, which makes zero sense.

I then added that professional publications don't share this opinion of "say" and its forms, since many of them use those very words you cited.

Having cited the contradiction in this group's actions and the contradiction created by the professionals, I then pondered why I should trust the former group's word.

Now I can address the fact that even you have acknowledged that all negative suggestions should be taken with a grain of salt since you've chosen to defy the suggestion of "only use 'say'" and thus prove my point for me.

 

[hematoma]

Also I would argue the worst narrative mistake for a CHYOA is to make it past tense. It defies the active participation of the reader in the narrative to use past tense. "Why am I making these choices if they have already happened?"

 

[RicoLouis]

Want to really have fun with readers. Write a short intro and then write three chapter in first person, second person, or third person.

 

[HighGrove]

I generally write in second person because it feels right for the present tense, and I have much stronger feelings about the tense of serialized CHYOA style stories than I do about the point of view.

 

[BirdOfHermes]

Take these three examples of the same scene written in three different view points.

You are insecure about Helen's meaning. You see her raised eyebrow as questioning your authority, so you pull the trigger. You are pleased at the puzzlement in her last look.

I'm not sure what Helen meant. But her innocent look inflamed me, and I pulled the trigger, happy to see the surprise in her eyes as the life goes out of her.

Paul did not know Helen's meaning. He was incapable of understanding a soul so trusting and pure. Her pleading gaze Paul took as mockery and he pulled the trigger; The cynical man smiled at Helen's stare of surprise and disbelief as light faded from her eyes.

Hmm. So we have "Show, don't tell" for first person and third person, but "tell, don't show" for second person. Yeah, that's a fair and unbiased comparison.