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DeviantChalice
Really Experienced
I don't see why not, but 800 words is a pretty long blub. They normally clock in at 250 tops.
800 words would be longer than a lot of my chapters!
800 words would be longer than a lot of my chapters!
Thanks, and yeah, blurb is the wrong word I'm looking for. Likely excerpt, and I'm willing to cut it down to 340 words to make it easier for others. Just need to get a feel for how readers think about it. And yeah, this chapter I've been working on has been an undertaking to say the least.
Appreciate it and thanks again!
Appreciate it and thanks again!
neo_skywalker
Virgin
Is 800 words really that long? One of my most recent chapters was over 3,000 words. Should I be shortening them?
TheLowKing
Really Really Experienced
I aim for about 1500 words for my chapters, largely because publishing in smaller chunks increases the time your story spends on the front page. The structure of the story can make them go as low as 500 or as high as 2500, though.
How much of your story you need to post to receive useful responses depends on what kind of feedback you're looking for. 250 words (as suggested above) is less than a page, and so you'll receive feedback on things that can be fixed on a single page: grammar, spelling, clarity, word choice,etc . 800ish gets you comments on characterization, and for things like plot progression and pacing I'd be looking for at least 2000-3000. I wouldn't be going through that with a fine-toothed comb to point out grammar and spelling mistakes, though. That's also pretty unwieldy for a forum, so for those latter 2 I would suggest posting the story on the main site, and then linking it here.
If you're only gauging reader interest, though, then I would just post the story on the main site and see how it does. You'll get a bigger audience there.
Last edited:
Gambio
CHYOA Guru
The current weekly story I'm doing is 3000+ words per chapter minimum, so no, I don't think your excessively long with that. I saw some freaks produce 10k bangers. Really depends on your style.
I have this section here that represents the start of the second chapter. Curious to know as a chapter header how it reads and if it sets the stage well.
It was always smart to ground yourself when things got strange, to fix on the things you could verify instead of the ones you couldn’t.
I glanced at myself. Running my fingers through the silk, the blue evening dress was how I remembered it. Feeling the weight of the stun gun inside, my purse remained heavy against my side. That was enough to steady me for now. Still me. Still real. I took a slow breath and looked around.
Palate hummed around us with its warm light and low conversation, soft music and polished silverware, expensive suits and overpriced food. Across from me, Hollywood was already slouched in his chair. Ryan, Miles, and Carmen were still moving through the dining room, discreetly placing the sensors. And at the far booth, Coat Guy hadn’t moved on from watching our table, leaning back like he had front-row seats to my show. Good. If he was focused on me, my team could keep an eye on him.
With a cough, the young man pulled my focus back to him, though he quickly avoided my gaze as he kept attacking his plate. But why approach me in the first place? Maybe he was drawn by my energy. Maybe I was just that bad at looking inconspicuous.
The kid had been dead silent since we sat down. He twirled his fork through his salad, designer jacket slung over his chair, half-smirk locked in place. After loudly introducing himself as a “self-absorbed arsehole with commitment issues” to half the restaurant, I’d expected nonstop chatter.
Instead, he was… deflated as he huffed.
It was always smart to ground yourself when things got strange, to fix on the things you could verify instead of the ones you couldn’t.
I glanced at myself. Running my fingers through the silk, the blue evening dress was how I remembered it. Feeling the weight of the stun gun inside, my purse remained heavy against my side. That was enough to steady me for now. Still me. Still real. I took a slow breath and looked around.
Palate hummed around us with its warm light and low conversation, soft music and polished silverware, expensive suits and overpriced food. Across from me, Hollywood was already slouched in his chair. Ryan, Miles, and Carmen were still moving through the dining room, discreetly placing the sensors. And at the far booth, Coat Guy hadn’t moved on from watching our table, leaning back like he had front-row seats to my show. Good. If he was focused on me, my team could keep an eye on him.
With a cough, the young man pulled my focus back to him, though he quickly avoided my gaze as he kept attacking his plate. But why approach me in the first place? Maybe he was drawn by my energy. Maybe I was just that bad at looking inconspicuous.
The kid had been dead silent since we sat down. He twirled his fork through his salad, designer jacket slung over his chair, half-smirk locked in place. After loudly introducing himself as a “self-absorbed arsehole with commitment issues” to half the restaurant, I’d expected nonstop chatter.
Instead, he was… deflated as he huffed.
TheLowKing
Really Really Experienced
As an intro, I love the first 2 paragraphs. Basically every sentence is a revelation, with the exception of the last one, which is a bit fillery. I obviously haven't read the first chapter, but I would seriously considers starting the story here, and backfilling any information from chapter 1 later on, when and if necessary.
"Palate", as the first word to describe the surroundings was very confusing to me. What is it? A club? A restaurant? A city? It being the first word in the sentence is probably the issue. If you put it later on, for example, "Around us, Palate ...", then the capital P imparts a lot of information.
I assume Ryan, Miles, and Carmen will continue being characters (and not just background noise) for the foreseeable future. Otherwise there's no need to introduce them here by name (or possibly at all).
The protagonist likes giving people nicknames, which is a fun gimmick, but the story tries a little too hard to avoid repetition, at the cost of clarity. For example, is "Hollywood" the same person as "the young man" and "the kid"? What makes him so Hollywood? And what does he do to deserve demotion from "man" to "kid"? And what about "Coat Guy"? It's a great way to characterize him in just 2 words, but the text suggests he is the target, which means she should know his name.
"My show" begs for clarification. Assuming this is an erotic story, and judging Coat Guy's laser focus, I imagine she's pretty Dressed Up, so you should draw a little attention to how exactly, beyond "blue evening dress". No more than half a sentence or so, though! No long descriptions. This early on, extreme brevity is a virtue (which is why I do like "Coat Guy"). It's a bit odd that she also says she's trying to be "inconspicuous" too. Can't have it both ways!
The kid "coughing", being "dead silent" and "huffing" (and possibly being "already(?) slouched", if he is Hollywood) are contradictory, as are "twirling his fork" and "attacking his plate". Why is "with commitment issues" in bold?
Actions are more interesting than states: he should deflate, not be deflated. Also, huffing implies trying to appear larger, which deflation is the opposite of.
At some point, the first sentence needs to pay off. Things need to get strange, or the protagonist needs to get psychologically lost, requiring her to, indeed, fix on something she can verify.
-----
I said above that a 300 word blurb would get you comments on spelling and grammar. Good news, I found no issues.
So instead (as I suggested above), I treated this as the start of the story, not of chapter 2, which is also why I got so nitpicky: the first paragraphs of your story matter, because they need to draw readers in, or they'll never get to the rest of your (presumably awesome) story. And just to be clear: my questions really are questions, not statements in disguise. You obviously don't need to justify yourself to me, Joe McRandom, but you should at least have answers for yourself.
Overall, I think this is a great start, and my remarks are mostly just nitpicks.
"Palate", as the first word to describe the surroundings was very confusing to me. What is it? A club? A restaurant? A city? It being the first word in the sentence is probably the issue. If you put it later on, for example, "Around us, Palate ...", then the capital P imparts a lot of information.
I assume Ryan, Miles, and Carmen will continue being characters (and not just background noise) for the foreseeable future. Otherwise there's no need to introduce them here by name (or possibly at all).
The protagonist likes giving people nicknames, which is a fun gimmick, but the story tries a little too hard to avoid repetition, at the cost of clarity. For example, is "Hollywood" the same person as "the young man" and "the kid"? What makes him so Hollywood? And what does he do to deserve demotion from "man" to "kid"? And what about "Coat Guy"? It's a great way to characterize him in just 2 words, but the text suggests he is the target, which means she should know his name.
"My show" begs for clarification. Assuming this is an erotic story, and judging Coat Guy's laser focus, I imagine she's pretty Dressed Up, so you should draw a little attention to how exactly, beyond "blue evening dress". No more than half a sentence or so, though! No long descriptions. This early on, extreme brevity is a virtue (which is why I do like "Coat Guy"). It's a bit odd that she also says she's trying to be "inconspicuous" too. Can't have it both ways!
The kid "coughing", being "dead silent" and "huffing" (and possibly being "already(?) slouched", if he is Hollywood) are contradictory, as are "twirling his fork" and "attacking his plate". Why is "with commitment issues" in bold?
Actions are more interesting than states: he should deflate, not be deflated. Also, huffing implies trying to appear larger, which deflation is the opposite of.
At some point, the first sentence needs to pay off. Things need to get strange, or the protagonist needs to get psychologically lost, requiring her to, indeed, fix on something she can verify.
-----
I said above that a 300 word blurb would get you comments on spelling and grammar. Good news, I found no issues.
So instead (as I suggested above), I treated this as the start of the story, not of chapter 2, which is also why I got so nitpicky: the first paragraphs of your story matter, because they need to draw readers in, or they'll never get to the rest of your (presumably awesome) story. And just to be clear: my questions really are questions, not statements in disguise. You obviously don't need to justify yourself to me, Joe McRandom, but you should at least have answers for yourself.Overall, I think this is a great start, and my remarks are mostly just nitpicks.
I was able to get the hook portion of my story out (full story still pending). The advice and feedback really helped with getting this section out and I'm interested to know your thoughts and how it reads. Thanks!
https://chyoa.com/chapter/Kylie,-undercover-agent---Dinner-in-a-room-with-reality-warpers.1893899
https://chyoa.com/chapter/Kylie,-undercover-agent---Dinner-in-a-room-with-reality-warpers.1893899