Cringiest Lines in Porn/Erotica?

Dr. West said:
I dont k ow if this counts but it was a scene describing sex in a novel. Funnily enough, one by a relatively accomplished writer.
Crescent city, house of blood and earth by Sarah J. Maas.

I shit you not, a cock was described as "velvet wrapped steel"... funniest shit I've ever seen
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Velvet wrapped...steel? Was it a feckin robot with a velvet cloth wrapped around its cock?
 
Dr. West said:
I dont k ow if this counts but it was a scene describing sex in a novel. Funnily enough, one by a relatively accomplished writer.
Crescent city, house of blood and earth by Sarah J. Maas.

I shit you not, a cock was described as "velvet wrapped steel"... funniest shit I've ever seen
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Mordredaggrfall said:
Velvet wrapped...steel? Was it a feckin robot with a velvet cloth wrapped around its cock?
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Steel, you say?


brevdravis said:
Just laughing because it's amazing how many different tastes there are out there. Thanks for all the comments, and made me feel a hell of a lot better to know that there's some folks who actually find my writing style annoying and cringy! (Most of the time folks just nope out instead of commenting, since there's no dislike function and registering disapproval on this site is harder than registering approval.)

Thanks to everybody who chimed in!
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I wouldn't take it to heart if some of your writing is cliché (something we're all guilty of (hell, memes are essentially cliché)). There is nothing new under the sun, and sometimes...

...sometimes you've just got to head them off at the pass.

 
Sune's Kiss said:
I wouldn't take it to heart if some of your writing is cliché (something we're all guilty of (hell, memes are essentially cliché)). There is nothing new under the sun, and sometimes...

...sometimes you've just got to head them off at the pass.

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I've been told my writing sucks and I should quit for almost thirty years. Still here for some reason. ;P I think those kinda of comments are a bit like Iocane. And I've spent the last several years building up an immunity to negative criticism.

 
Bumping it for the opening line "New laws were passed that allows..." and then something breaks all societal norms... And usually, everyone is absolutely fine with it. This is not how laws or society work! It is so cringy.

If you want to magically change the world... Use magic, parallel universes, divine intervention, etc. I don't even ask for a detailed explanation but provide me something for my suspension of disbelief
 
Hvast said:
Bumping it for the opening line "New laws were passed that allows..." and then something breaks all societal norms... And usually, everyone is absolutely fine with it. This is not how laws or society work! It is so cringy.

If you want to magically change the world... Use magic, parallel universes, divine intervention, etc. I don't even ask for a detailed explanation but provide me something for my suspension of disbelief
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Whenever I see something like this I get the unreasonable urge to find a loophole and exploit the shit out of it.

Like "Rape is now legal"

Ok, lets go rape a foreign head of state on a diplomatic mission, which then escalates into World War III and the end of civilisation as we know it.
 
Gambio said:
Whenever I see something like this I get the unreasonable urge to find a loophole and exploit the shit out of it.

Like "Rape is now legal"

Ok, lets go rape a foreign head of state on a diplomatic mission, which then escalates into World War III and the end of civilisation as we know it.
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OMG, that would be a good story.
 
"Dick Cheese."

That's the one that gets me. Just....why? It's pretty much impossible to completely ruin the entire mood any faster within just two words than this. And people keep using it.
 
Auraicide said:
"Dick Cheese."

That's the one that gets me. Just....why? It's pretty much impossible to completely ruin the entire mood any faster within just two words than this. And people keep using it.
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Really? I've never heard of it? What does it even mean?
 
"Dick Cheese" = "Smegma"

Sometimes you're going for disgust as a visceral response, and there's a degradation factor in having someone forced to suck a smelly dick. Not exactly my cup of tea, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't used it once or twice when I wanted to really grind home the nasty factor.
 
That fine line between "so bad it's good" and "so bad it's bad" is one of the guilty pleasures of erotica, at least to my mind. Sometimes you don't want fine prose and romantic relationships. Sometimes you just want to work out something nasty, exorcise it from your brain through the power of masturbation, just put something filthy and weird and hilariously wrong down into words. Sometimes the cringe is worthwhile.
 
Gambio said:
Whenever I see something like this I get the unreasonable urge to find a loophole and exploit the shit out of it.

Like "Rape is now legal"

Ok, lets go rape a foreign head of state on a diplomatic mission, which then escalates into World War III and the end of civilisation as we know it.
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Obviously WW3 never happens as 11/10 times in a story, the woman likes to be raped.

Doesn't matter if they're a 80 year old granny or a somehow barely deputy of war, they're going to love being literally assaulted.
 
I suppose my own was found in a different website, but also erotic-based.

It was a stepmom-son-biological mom incest story and the first chapter started off weak as well. In a 1st POV, the author says - not describes - that his stepmom was being talked to by a big Russian dude, 'the type of guy that would beat everyone in a gym.' Shortly thereafter, not kidding, the author says that he 'beat him up.'

Aroused by this protection of her, the stepmom and son proceeded to bang one another everywhere - from the bedroom, to the stairs, to the kitchen counter.
 
Unknown7 said:
It would be really really funny. Cliche concept meets reality.
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I was just joking ;)

I can't stand the dismissive " He fucked her good for a X amount of time." Like they want to tell the fucking has been going on for a while, but they can't fill this time with things done by each other to the partner.
 
There are so many replies here that I will probably die of age before I can read all of them, so instead of piggy-backing on whatever discussion is happening right now, I'm just going to answer the original question while drunk. I guess the most cringe-worthy line I've ever heard in porn comes from this one scene I watched when I was like fifteen (yeah, I've been watching porn for a while, I don't fucking care what you say, I regret nothing). Long story short, the entire prelude revolved around a girl that couldn't pay for something, and the guy at the cash register or something says, "There is one other way you can pay me. Follow me to the back." In real life, there is nothing so valuable (besides jewelry or some shit about that cost, but then you probably brought the money to pay for that) that you need to spread your legs to leave the store with it. If I were a girl and in a situation where I can't pay for something, I would just not buy the items I can't pay for and move on with my life instead of letting some perv fuck me with a micropenis. Plus, don't you think it is a tiny bit suspicious that a cashier is taking a customer to some employees-only room? I know I would get suspicious if I were a bystander and saw that (to be fair, I might just mind my own fucking business because I have my own problems). All in all, the whole cliché of "sex can be used as cash" is pretty stupid in my opinion. Then again, porn is an industry that thrives off clichés and non-original ideas. Ironically, I find situations where a girl thanks someone who did something like save her life with sex quite arousing. This is pretty different from "sex can be used as cash" since the girl has a stronger reason to want to fuck the guy other than "I want four more boxes of cereal" because he saved her life or something. The original question mentioned the stepfamily fetish, and I honestly think the whole stepfamily sex trope is banal, so I don't really focus on lines there because they are all equally dumb and overused. Now, I'm going to post this reply and wash in cold water to sober up.
 
Umm, whats my name again? - Once you've seen one set of boobs... youve' gotta see 'em all.

The fundamental thing with the switch from horror, loathing and pain etc to ecstacy is that there's only so far I can suspend disbelief, so if its poorly written and unbelievable I'll switch off and try a different story.
 
YveltalWarrior said:
There are so many replies here that I will probably die of age before I can read all of them, so instead of piggy-backing on whatever discussion is happening right now, I'm just going to answer the original question while drunk. I guess the most cringe-worthy line I've ever heard in porn comes from this one scene I watched when I was like fifteen (yeah, I've been watching porn for a while, I don't fucking care what you say, I regret nothing). Long story short, the entire prelude revolved around a girl that couldn't pay for something, and the guy at the cash register or something says, "There is one other way you can pay me. Follow me to the back." In real life, there is nothing so valuable (besides jewelry or some shit about that cost, but then you probably brought the money to pay for that) that you need to spread your legs to leave the store with it. If I were a girl and in a situation where I can't pay for something, I would just not buy the items I can't pay for and move on with my life instead of letting some perv fuck me with a micropenis. Plus, don't you think it is a tiny bit suspicious that a cashier is taking a customer to some employees-only room? I know I would get suspicious if I were a bystander and saw that (to be fair, I might just mind my own fucking business because I have my own problems). All in all, the whole cliché of "sex can be used as cash" is pretty stupid in my opinion. Then again, porn is an industry that thrives off clichés and non-original ideas. Ironically, I find situations where a girl thanks someone who did something like save her life with sex quite arousing. This is pretty different from "sex can be used as cash" since the girl has a stronger reason to want to fuck the guy other than "I want four more boxes of cereal" because he saved her life or something. The original question mentioned the stepfamily fetish, and I honestly think the whole stepfamily sex trope is banal, so I don't really focus on lines there because they are all equally dumb and overused. Now, I'm going to post this reply and wash in cold water to sober up.
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Yeah well, before getting into the matter, breaking some paragraphs here and there will help with making your post a little more readable.

I'd like to agree with you on the 'girl paying with sex' trope being stupid, but fact is reality kind of proves you wrong almost daily about that.

Talking this from a writing angle instead, just a few sparse thoughts:

-You are right, it would be silly if a girl paid with sex for a jewel, but think about that, the one for which the whole ordeal wouldn't be worth would probably be the cashier. He would be the one paying sex way more that its current, err, 'market price' for once. He would be the one risking to get fired from a job he probably needs more than a cheap fuck in the back of his shop with an unwillnig partner.

-Out there though, people like that, I'd like to say sexual predators, or better a scavangers, do exists tough. Those kind of men take advantage of women in need, and they have a keen eye to spot them. And they try their luck as many times as they can when they are in a position of advantage, one that has authority or power or both, while still feeling safe.

-And we reach our third point. The question of the need. I mentioned it already, didn't I? As I said before, generally it would be safe to assume the cashier/clerk or whatever needs his job. What about the girl needing that specific something? You are right, if the girl doesn't need that jewel, she could just walk away and go on with her life. Easy.
But let's just assume she needs it. And let me tell you, you always assume she needs it in a story, desperately so, I'd like to add, because that's dramatic.
And you want drama in your story. And why would you even mention it if she didn't need it in the first place?
If she needs it, badly, would it be food because she's starving or her mother's jewel that she pawned and now she's lost the money to get it back, then you have your context set up.

This kind of stuff applies to all situations where sex is traded, be it black mail, or concussion or whatever comes to your mind.
There could be also something to say about the girl's status and attitude towards sex, but let's leave it for now.
It's not that stupid if you think about it, it's just all about the right context.

Now though, you can still write this stupidly if you can't set it up properly, I give you that...
 
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Honestly, I'm just glad you tried to be a good sport when correcting with me and my post which I see is quite flawed as I read it sober. I'm happy there are still people on porn sites who don't act like children and mock people when they write something false (I'll apply the advice you gave me on paragraphs to make your life easier).

I don't really care about what you said about my post pertaining to real life since my post was directed towards the porn industry trope being stupid. I know what a sexual predator is and how they operate in the streets (thanks to public school morality reconditioning), but I don't like how it is portrayed so often and so stupidly in mainstream sex films.

Now, for the writing aspect of "sex as cash," I understand how a girl can be persuaded to be some pervert's cocksleeve if the right situations are met, but I just don't like the idea of it. I prefer to write what I find likeable or what I would read. I guess that means I never felt the need to figure out a way to use "sex as cash" effectively as a writing tool. All tropes, stock characters, clichés, and whatnot can be used to make a good, coherent story, so I didn't want you to get the wrong idea when I said the trope was stupid. I meant the way it was used in mainstream porn.

Again, thanks for running that extra mile and telling me that I was wrong in a non-obnoxious, mature way. I'm glad the internet still has some decent people.
 
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