Immoral Family

Yurisenpai

Yurisenpai

Experienced
Hi i starting new story with public lesbian twincest milf + ailf from female teenager pov.

Immoral Family
not much normal story

https://chyoa.com/story/Immoral-Family.47916

I previously announced it on discord and members was interested.

Characters in story:

• Annie - textile shop chore runner, 18yr, 170cm, A cup, medium dark brown hair

• Anny - mother of Annie, textile mill worker, 35yr, 178cm, B cup, long dark brown hair

• Anne - older sister of Anny, brothel lady, second-in-command, 35yr, 178cm, B cup,

• grandmother Anna - Brothel owner, business manager, mother of Anny and Anne, grandmother of Annie, 54yr, 176cm, B cup, long medium dark brown hair.

Story is set in unspecified time and country on old continent, english isn't their native or first language.
 
Some feedback.

English stuff aside since authors are not native speakers.

Anyway, I recommend avoiding using names that are too similar. Unless your characters already stand out well, it becomes confusing when everyone is named a variation of Anne.

People aren't going to bother reading the cast descriptions. Your characters have to stand out naturally and ease people into learning more. How does a character speak? What are their quirks? Right now from the first chapter the dialog is very monotone. It has a lot of information but no character. Okay, its kind of realistic for a mother to just command, but a little bit of flair helps here.

For a first page, the story lacks a hook. This site has too many works. Readers often only go into page one and decide if they will stay for page two. Something has to established in page one. Is it a character? A situation? Its like the opening sequence of a movie.
 
parkingdiscount said:
Some feedback.
English stuff aside since authors are not native speakers.
Click to expand...
this line is widely applicable to 90% of all stories on CHYOA. ;)

parkingdiscount said:
Anyway, I recommend avoiding using names that are too similar. Unless your characters already stand out well, it becomes confusing when everyone is named a variation of Anne.

People aren't going to bother reading the cast descriptions. Your characters have to stand out naturally and ease people into learning more. How does a character speak? What are their quirks? Right now from the first chapter the dialog is very monotone. It has a lot of information but no character. Okay, its kind of realistic for a mother to just command, but a little bit of flair helps here.

For a first page, the story lacks a hook. This site has too many works. Readers often only go into page one and decide if they will stay for page two. Something has to established in page one. Is it a character? A situation? Its like the opening sequence of a movie.
Click to expand...
Everyone aren't named by variation of main character's mother name, they are named in honor of their grandmother's mother, that founded their family business, grandmother of the Annie's grandmother. :D

People aren't going to bother reading more things that only the one you mentioned, some of them are called moderators.

I writing it like real story not just quick sex in backyard and trying to get lost behind borders. Actual story timeline is around 20 minutes, so the start is more for visualization of their surroundings, erotic content will be around next chapter or two.
This is story about twincest in small town with some industrial zones or maybe some mining ares, not sex between fishermen and mermaids. ;)

Yes this site has too many works, more than normal sites with non erotic content, that is same with the quality of stories, because when you write non erotic stories or you want publish it as real book you need follow many more rules than "Underage = death".

Situation ? i think when author promised that his story will have that line i mentioned in the first post i think it's established some eye catchers, this is normal story not Sin City movie.
 
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