Looking for feedback

[Creepy_Crawly]

I’ve just published my first story on this site and I am in desperate need of feedback.

https://chyoa.com/story/An-Innocent-Wife’s-Urges.54069

If anyone could read it and tell me if what I’m doing is coherent and interesting or should I keep the stories in my head where they can’t bore people.

Please note, I am well aware of my below average grasp of the English language but I’d still love a push in the right direction.

appreciate any help you can give.

 

[Zeebop]

Well, you've got a decent number of chapters, each of which has a decent length, and the one looping side-branch you have works. It's not really my particular kink, and I find the photoshopped illustrations weirdly specific and distracting, but there are plenty of folks that like the whole "swift descent into slutwife" approch.

As far as your prose goes, you do have an issue with formatting where you get big blocks of text with dialogue embedded in them that are hard to read. For example:

Verity didn’t know what to do, she had to get her Father to help Nick keep his job. She realised what she had to do, “I’m sorry Daddy, I’ll make it up to you” she said as she slid her hand to her Fathers crotch and unzipped his pants. “What the fuck Verity what do you think you’re doing” he said as he jumped up and pushed her to the other end of the sofa. “I just wanted to make you feel better” Verity pleaded. “By sucking my dick you fucking slut, is that what you want”. “I don’t know Daddy I thought”, “you thought what” he interrupted her. “I’m sorry Daddy”. “Your not my daughter, my daughter was sweet and innocent, your some vile sex deviant, you need to make a choice what’s important to you, you future or sucking your daddy cock”. Verity was so tired and so confused. She couldn’t understand what was happening, she only did what she thought he wanted, what all men wanted. “I’m sorry Daddy, I don’t know what you want” Verity said in a panic. “You don’t know” he screamed at her, “well I’ll make the decision for you”. “Take that slut costume off and suck my dick”. “Yes Daddy” Verity replied. She stripped of the latex dress and took his whole cock in her mouth and fucked her face with her hands behind her back. “You are a disgrace” he said and he pushed her off so he could get undressed. “Now sit on my cock” he said as he sat back down on the sofa. As she rode him he grabbed his phone and streamed the film he confiscated from Nick today. Verity rode her Daddy’s cock as she turned around to watch the film from this morning.

This is hard to read. If you broke it up and fixed the punctuation, however:

Verity didn’t know what to do, she had to get her Father to help Nick keep his job. She realised what she had to do:

“I’m sorry Daddy, I’ll make it up to you,” she said as she slid her hand to her father's crotch and unzipped his pants.

“What the fuck Verity, what do you think you’re doing,” he said as he jumped up and pushed her to the other end of the sofa.

“I just wanted to make you feel better,” Verity pleaded.

“By sucking my dick you fucking slut, is that what you want?”

“I don’t know Daddy, I thought...”

“You thought what,” he interrupted her.

“I’m sorry Daddy.”

“You're not my daughter, my daughter was sweet and innocent, your some vile sex deviant, you need to make a choice what’s important to you, you future or sucking your daddy cock.”

Verity was so tired and so confused. She couldn’t understand what was happening, she only did what she thought he wanted, what all men wanted.

“I’m sorry Daddy, I don’t know what you want,” Verity said in a panic.

“You don’t know?” he screamed at her, “Well I’ll make the decision for you. Take that slut costume off and suck my dick.”

“Yes, Daddy,” Verity replied. She stripped off the latex dress and took his whole cock in her mouth and fucked her face with her hands behind her back.

“You are a disgrace,” he said and he pushed her off so he could get undressed.

“Now sit on my cock” he said as he sat back down on the sofa.

As she rode him he grabbed his phone and streamed the film he confiscated from Nick today. Verity rode her Daddy’s cock as she turned around to watch the film from this morning.

This makes it easier to read, but also exposes a related issue: the relative lack of description in some of these sex scenes. Take your time, go into detail, touch on how things feel, physically and emotionally.

The descent-to-slutdom happens really quick in the story, but going forward you might want to explore that a little more...how her life has changed, how she feels about that, dealing with the aftermath of doing all these things, what if she's recognized or gets pregnant, etc.

 

[Creepy_Crawly]

Well, you've got a decent number of chapters, each of which has a decent length, and the one looping side-branch you have works. It's not really my particular kink, and I find the photoshopped illustrations weirdly specific and distracting, but there are plenty of folks that like the whole "swift descent into slutwife" approch.

As far as your prose goes, you do have an issue with formatting where you get big blocks of text with dialogue embedded in them that are hard to read. For example:



This is hard to read. If you broke it up and fixed the punctuation, however:



This makes it easier to read, but also exposes a related issue: the relative lack of description in some of these sex scenes. Take your time, go into detail, touch on how things feel, physically and emotionally.

The descent-to-slutdom happens really quick in the story, but going forward you might want to explore that a little more...how her life has changed, how she feels about that, dealing with the aftermath of doing all these things, what if she's recognized or gets pregnant, etc.

Thanks for this, a lot of good points for me to work on.