Strange Magic

[MisterMan1965]

Hi all. Strange Magic is my first story on CHYOA, and I figured I'd post this to see if anyone has comments, critiques, or suggestions. It's a mind control story, with a family-focus in some of the branches, and there will be growing D/s elements just to let you know before you click.

One thing I'm pondering specifically right now is whether to add a choice that's really just an obvious answer to the question prompt, but doesn't really lead anywhere narratively more interesting than the other branches I've already started from there. It makes sense from the chapter it would flow from, but it would be a stub, or I'd have to work it to flow back into one of the other branches with a linking chapter at some point.

The chapter is Tracey naked on your bed would make you very happy. The choice I'm thinking of adding would be, "A gorgeous blonde just said your dick makes her hot. Don't talk. Don't think. Just fuck her." As you can plainly see, a I'm facing a profound question, the answer to which will deeply impact the quality of my story./sarcasm

Feel free to give me any other feedback you might have, on any of the branches.

Thanks.

 

[Zeebop]

An ambitious start, with four main branches. Good amount of detail, avoided some of the usual pitfalls. There are a few spelling and grammar issues (we all have them), maybe try using grammarly, or drafting on a program with a spellcheck before posting if that sort of thing bothers you. If you want a nitpick, the story is set at "1st person" (I, me, my), but the writing is clearly second person (You, your, yours). Nothing wrong with 2nd person, although you'll want to be aware to not overload the same pronouns at the start of every sentence or paragraph; you've done an okay job so far of avoiding that, but it can get a little repetitive if you do start to fall into that habit.

The only suggestion I would make is that I would recommend you break out the dialogue a little. For example, in this chapter, you have at the bottom:

When you pull up just short of colliding with her, she looks up at you. You notice her face flush red, and the blush spreads to her chest and ample breast. “Oh, honey…” she gasps out. She frowns at the apple and granola bar in your hands, and shakes her head. “That’s not a good breakfast. Sit down and I’ll make you something.” Her voice is soft. Her tone isn’t the stern reprimand she’d usually give you for skipping a good breakfast, but an inviting offer instead. “I’ll drive you in if you miss the bus. It’s ok if you’re a few minutes late, you’re a senior.” This is strange, she’s always been a stickler for punctuality, and never missing school.

This is okay, but see how much more readable it is if you break up the dialogue a little:

When you pull up just short of colliding with her, she looks up at you. You notice her face flush red, and the blush spreads to her chest and ample breast.

“Oh, honey…” she gasps out. She frowns at the apple and granola bar in your hands, and shakes her head. “That’s not a good breakfast. Sit down and I’ll make you something.”

Her voice is soft. Her tone isn’t the stern reprimand she’d usually give you for skipping a good breakfast, but an inviting offer instead. “I’ll drive you in if you miss the bus. It’s ok if you’re a few minutes late, you’re a senior.”

This is strange, she’s always been a stickler for punctuality, and never missing school.

Some of the chapters are a bit short, but really if you unfold the dialogue from the paragraphs a little it stretches them out. This also goes for internal thoughts. For example, in this chapter:

You try to muster any words but your mom is in full MOM mode so you quietly say, “If you insist. I’m sorry if I’m being a bother.” My mom shook her head to cause her boobs to shake as well as she interjects, “Honey, it’s not problem. I need to take care of my man especially when he isn’t feeling well.” You feel your erection pulsing under the bedding when she said that and as you look down you can clearly see it moving around with a mind of its own. Suddenly, she placed her hand on your leg and was a finger tip from your spasming erection. (Oh god! Does she see it? I hope she doesn’t feel it moving around.) You close your eyes and take deep breathes as you desperately try to get your erection under control. She gives you a couple of pats and pops off your bed. She had a glint her eyes as she said, “Come join me in a few minutes once I have the bath ready.” Your mom’s tone was slightly lower and bit more raspy when she said that. (She clearly saw my erection…I mean she even almost touched it.) In your panic, you can only muster out a few words, “Ok, mom.”

Could be:

You try to muster any words but your mom is in full MOM mode so you quietly say, “If you insist. I’m sorry if I’m being a bother.”

My mom shook her head to cause her boobs to shake as well as she interjects, “Honey, it’s not problem. I need to take care of my man especially when he isn’t feeling well.”

You feel your erection pulsing under the bedding when she said that and as you look down you can clearly see it moving around with a mind of its own. Suddenly, she placed her hand on your leg and was a finger tip from your spasming erection.

(Oh god! Does she see it? I hope she doesn’t feel it moving around.)

You close your eyes and take deep breathes as you desperately try to get your erection under control. She gives you a couple of pats and pops off your bed. She had a glint her eyes as she said, “Come join me in a few minutes once I have the bath ready.”

Your mom’s tone was slightly lower and bit more raspy when she said that.

(She clearly saw my erection…I mean she even almost touched it.)

In your panic, you can only muster out a few words, “Ok, mom.”

 

[TheLowKing]

break up the dialogue a little

My rule of thumb is to only have the dialogue of a single person in a paragraph, because otherwise it becomes annoying to track who's talking at any one time:

"I agree," Mary said. "Me too," Dave added.

"I agree," Mary said.

"Me too," Dave added.

And at most 2 sets of quotes, because otherwise you lose track of what is dialogue and what is prose::

"I agree," Mary said. "Let's go to Dave's." She got up, but hesitated at the coatstand. "Do you think I'll need my jacket?"

I agree," Mary said. "Let's go to Dave's."

She got up, but hesitated at the coatstand. "Do you think I'll need my jacket?"

(Careful reading in both cases will avoid those issues, of course, but the easier your writing is to understand and digest, the quicker the reader will become engrossed in your story.)

 

[Gambio]

Whelp, let me tackle the question then.

In this particular instance, I really don't see an issue. You offer three choices, that all seemed fairly reasonable given the situation.

I don't think you need to obsess over obvious choices unless you are in a situation were said obvious choice would stand in stark contrast with the path going forward.

Let's give an example:

You have the evil druglord at gunpoint. What do you do?

Forgive him
Fall on your knees and beg for mercy
Run away screaming

I think people would be pretty pissed if there wasn't a "shoot him" option in there, because that is the most obvious choice


but if instead the options were:

forgive him
turn him into your sex slave
turn him over to the authorities


Few would complain about the lack of a "shoot him" option

 

[MisterMan1965]

Thanks for the gentle, constructive feedback, all.

I do realize that a little more work proofreading (or any) would probably make a significant difference. When I go back to a chapter to read it for continuity going forward, I tend to find some spelling, grammar, or typo issue. *sigh* It's less fun than the writing, but I notice and often get bothered by errors in other stories. I realize it would make mine better for readers if I put a little effort into eliminating them.

I do try to follow the rule of one speaker per paragraph. I suppose breaking up the quotes from one speaker sometimes would make things more readable.

Gambio, thanks for taking on my dilemma. Your advice helped me realize that it's not an obvious choice I don't want to leave out, it's an obvious punchline that I can't resist. I can just treat it as that.

 

[MisterMan1965]

I'm planning on adding a chapter in this story at some point, maybe soon, where the protagonist bothers to look at the other spells available on the magic website. So far, he's only read the one that turns a woman into his devoted love-slave. I'd appreciate any suggestions for other spells.

I'd prefer they not be mind control spells. If Dave wants to control someone, it's going to require them becoming sexually obsessed with him and all the complications that go with that. One obvious spell would be some sort of minor body-modification to achieve realistic male enhancement, breast growth, or general physique improvement. I think there might also be a spell that grants the magician and any of his thralls health and long life. No spells to produce wealth on their own. If Dave wants to go down a route where he uses magic to get money, it will be through enthralling someone with money, or having one of his thralls earn it for him.

Other than that, I'd like to include some outward-facing spells, that have some effect on other people, and that could potentially add complications to Dave's life if he tries to use them.

Thanks in advance for any ideas you may have.