"To Prove Superiority"

bastardlydastard

bastardlydastard

Really Experienced
I just discovered these forums, and I thought to myself: Hey Bastardlydastard, You should use these to shamelessly whore yourself out. So, that is what I am doing.
I have a story called To Prove Superiority, and I am looking to get some feedback on it, be it criticism, support, or hate mail. It's a fantasy story with emphasis on dominance and submission, so if you aren't into that, beware.
Here's a link if you are interested: https://chyoa.com/story/To-Prove-Superiority.8696
Thanks in advance.
 
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Also, if you are interested in writing for it, you are welcome to do so. If you have any questions, let me know, I would be happy to answer them.
 
I was thinking of adding another playable character. should I do so? or are there enough of them already? If I do add another, what should they be like?
 
I'm enjoying the story a great deal so far. I appreciate some of the world-building and plot that you're wrapping around the erotic center.

If you were to write another character, could I suggest a warlock to contrast with Ulric? Someone who uses magic to supplement his cunning and guile rather than the other way around.

For your current Ulric thread, a plot-hole so far seems to be explaining why women are the dominant sex if all these guys could out-do them if they just tried. Perhaps they are better at magic, or have demonic connections? Convincing some of your allies to throw off decades of social conditioning seems to be going a lot smoother than I would have suspected. Other than that, I like the time you are taking with the women you've captured, as opposed to going on a pokemon 'collect them all and put them on a shelf' mentality.
 
Half way through what's written so far and I like what I read so far. great detail of the setting and history shows a lot of thought was put into the story. Like the way women are portrayed after being captured in the Ulric thread. This is the type of read that you could see being shot as a movie or cable show. I'll comment again when I fully up to date
 
rabbitjack said:
I'm enjoying the story a great deal so far. I appreciate some of the world-building and plot that you're wrapping around the erotic center.

If you were to write another character, could I suggest a warlock to contrast with Ulric? Someone who uses magic to supplement his cunning and guile rather than the other way around.

For your current Ulric thread, a plot-hole so far seems to be explaining why women are the dominant sex if all these guys could out-do them if they just tried. Perhaps they are better at magic, or have demonic connections? Convincing some of your allies to throw off decades of social conditioning seems to be going a lot smoother than I would have suspected. Other than that, I like the time you are taking with the women you've captured, as opposed to going on a pokemon 'collect them all and put them on a shelf' mentality.
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Hey, Thanks for reading, and thanks for the criticism. You actually addressed a point I was meaning to make more clear in the main plot, that being that Ulric and the other men of the group are not the norm. The majority of men in this world are stunted, sickly people that are significantly physically weaker than the women they serve.
Thanks for bringing that up, I need to address it in the story.
Additionally, (minor semi-spoiler) All the guys have ulterior motives for joining Ulric, hence the ease with which they do so. Ulric will find that recruiting will be far more difficult from here on out. So yes, that is currently if not a plot hole, at least a plot gully, but it should be filled pretty soon. Oh, and Kyra, well, she never liked the system anyway, so she jumped on the first anti-Estaran cause she found. For better or worse.
The warlock is an interesting angle, especially considering the very harsh consequences for a man caught practicing magic. If done properly, it could sit alongside Mark/Eleana's story.
And thanks, I started writing this story with the intent to make it more character-focused and story-focused than erotica-focused, and I'm glad you enjoyed that.
Thanks again, I really appreciate it.
 
gscmar64 said:
Half way through what's written so far and I like what I read so far. great detail of the setting and history shows a lot of thought was put into the story. Like the way women are portrayed after being captured in the Ulric thread. This is the type of read that you could see being shot as a movie or cable show. I'll comment again when I fully up to date
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Thanks for the kind words, they really help me stay motivated.
I look forward to your final thoughts on it.
 
I am very much into the concept of your story but i don't like the warrior type character of Ulfric (No criticism, just don't like it very much) and the short chapters kept me from getting into it. Until now atleast. I will storm through your story ASAP because i will soon be done with my current story and i think your premise has exactly what i want to add to afterwards. Expect to hear from me in the near future. ^^
 
I enjoy the "main thread" of the story so far.

I started following it a few days ago, and i am positively captivated by the story and the world you build. I wonder who could be the mysterious force (or forces) helping Ulfric, and why they do it. And of course i am generally interested to see where the story goes next.

Only downside: At first i was put of by the sheer numbers of chapters on a single thread, and i agree that it couldn't hurt to have them a bit longer, especially as there is no deviation from the main path.

No choices - this could be seen as a bad thing. But now that i am following the story, i would strongly suggest you keep on working and put all energy in this main path. I always eagerly await the next update ;-)

Basically: Keep on doing what you do! Thumbs up!
 
dingsdongs said:
I enjoy the "main thread" of the story so far.

I started following it a few days ago, and i am positively captivated by the story and the world you build. I wonder who could be the mysterious force (or forces) helping Ulfric, and why they do it. And of course i am generally interested to see where the story goes next.

Only downside: At first i was put of by the sheer numbers of chapters on a single thread, and i agree that it couldn't hurt to have them a bit longer, especially as there is no deviation from the main path.

No choices - this could be seen as a bad thing. But now that i am following the story, i would strongly suggest you keep on working and put all energy in this main path. I always eagerly await the next update ;-)

Basically: Keep on doing what you do! Thumbs up!
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Thank you for the kind words, and thank you for the criticism.
I absolutely agree that my chapters should be a bit longer. In truth, this is my first time writing a proper narrative, so there will be some hiccups while I hit my stride. Short, stubby little chapters are one such hiccup. However, the average length of my chapters is rising, so you should see improvement on that front as time goes on.

As for writing in choices, I've never been very good at that, and as a result, it pretty much didn't happen.

Thanks again for the criticism, and I'm glad you are enjoying the story.
 
The last couple chapters were riveting, if a bit short, but you've totally baited the hook and i'm biting good sir.

As far as any criticism for the story as a whole, some chapters are fairly short compared to other story heavy ones and there is a large lack of choice as far as splitting paths or even minor changes.
HOWEVER: The main path you've been writing is incredible and even the relatively small amount of erotic bits in comparison to story driven segments are right up my alley so I dont really see any of this as bad.

(Maybe one day I'll get up the courage to write a side story here!)

I'm no critic or even really a writer but from what i've read here it makes me excited to start writing again after a few years of stagnation. Keep up the awesome work my friend, I'm really psyched to see what Ulric gets up to next!
 
RadioGalaxy said:
The last couple chapters were riveting, if a bit short, but you've totally baited the hook and i'm biting good sir.

As far as any criticism for the story as a whole, some chapters are fairly short compared to other story heavy ones and there is a large lack of choice as far as splitting paths or even minor changes.
HOWEVER: The main path you've been writing is incredible and even the relatively small amount of erotic bits in comparison to story driven segments are right up my alley so I dont really see any of this as bad.

(Maybe one day I'll get up the courage to write a side story here!)

I'm no critic or even really a writer but from what i've read here it makes me excited to start writing again after a few years of stagnation. Keep up the awesome work my friend, I'm really psyched to see what Ulric gets up to next!
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Thanks for the kind words man. I'm glad to know that you like it.
As for the criticisms, yeah, short chapters have always been a curse of mine. My chapters are slowly increasing in overall length, but they are not there yet by any stretch of the imagination. And yes, Branching narratives are not my strong suit, and as a result they do not really appear in my writing. And now i have set up a shared universe that makes branching pathways far more difficult.

Also, no courage is required. If you have an idea, lay it on me, I am positive that you are better than you think you are. Even if you think you are great.
 
I am working on an addition to the Ulric story line. Nice starting point and I feel motivated to add to what you have started. I think this could be fun one to work on.

Also, what mapping program did you use to draw the map. It is pretty sweet looking would work well in my D&D campaign.
 
jakelyon said:
I am working on an addition to the Ulric story line. Nice starting point and I feel motivated to add to what you have started. I think this could be fun one to work on.

Also, what mapping program did you use to draw the map. It is pretty sweet looking would work well in my D&D campaign.
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Great! Really glad you are interested. I look forward to seeing where you go with it.
As for the map, I did not make it. Funatic put it together, so if you want to know how he did it, you would have to ask him.
 
HELLO!

The map, yes, the programm I used is: https://pixlr.com/editor/ It is not the best tool but it is free and does the basic job....man i miss actual photoshop...
On how i made it, i took an outline of France and bastardized it until it looked like what you can lay your eyes upon now. Afterwards i took three different maps of europe (Hills, Forests and a 'general' one) And started slapping stuff on top of this. Took around 3-4 hours all things considered.
 
From my own branch:
1. Aclysia/ Catherine
2. Ulal
3. Yet to come up but oh boy am I excited.

From Ulric's branch:
1. Siris
2. Dorian
3. No one comes to mind, although i am quite intruiged by the new addition in your latest chapter.
 
Funatic said:
From my own branch:
1. Aclysia/ Catherine
2. Ulal
3. Yet to come up but oh boy am I excited.

From Ulric's branch:
1. Siris
2. Dorian
3. No one comes to mind, although i am quite intruiged by the new addition in your latest chapter.
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From your branch, I would say my list goes:
1: Ulal
2. Tang
3. Alratha

As for your 3 from my branch, Siris is my favorite male supporting cast member, and, coincidentally, My second favorite is dorian.
As for your third spot, I am so exited to write more of her!
 
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