Lesbian Amazon Babe (and some other ideas)

T

TekoPenn

Virgin
CHYOA Backer
Hello, looking for some feedback on a story idea I got over the weekend:

Nicole works as an assistant to nerdy scientist Brian for a revolutionary experiment: creating a gateway to another dimension. Brian unfortunately decides to use it to achieve his life-long dream of having a hot warrior woman as his girlfriend. His unauthorized testing of the gateway is a success, bringing Doris, a bikini-clad Amazon, to their world.
However, there are two problems:
  1. Doris is completely uninterested in Brian, both because she’s actually a lesbian and because she’s pissed at him for essentially kidnapping her.
  2. The gateway has also brought a lot of monsters into the city, and Doris is the only one who can kill them, which just pisses her off more.
Nicole offers to let Doris stay at her place while she and Brian work on a way to send her home. After a few hiccups, Nicole and Doris surprisingly get along well. In-between slaying monsters, Doris spends her time working out, reading, and chatting with Nicole over dinner.
After all the monsters have been killed, Doris isn’t sure what to do with herself, so Nicole takes her out for drinks. The two have a good time until they get drunk and start making out.
'The morning after, Nicole talks to Doris about their relationship. They both admit there is a sexual attraction between them, which Doris takes the initiative and asks Nicole to be her companion. Nicole agrees to give it a shot, and the two make love for the first time.
Soon after, the gateway is repaired, and the two go through together.

So, any thoughts?
 
My initial thought while reading this is to cut out Brian completely, he seems to serve very little purpose beyond being the instigator and any drama(being pissed at him for kidnapping) would be better used for tension between Nicole and Doris.

Otherwise the story gets points for having quite the unique premise. There are a few potential pitfalls(like how Doris is the only one who can defeat these monsters and how they can just casually go out to dinner without the military being on their ass)

But that's nothing that isn't solvable.


As a side note: I highy suggest changing the name Doris. I don't exactly think exotic amazonian warrior from another dimension when I hear this.
 
Gambio said:
My initial thought while reading this is to cut out Brian completely, he seems to serve very little purpose beyond being the instigator and any drama(being pissed at him for kidnapping) would be better used for tension between Nicole and Doris.

Otherwise the story gets points for having quite the unique premise. There are a few potential pitfalls(like how Doris is the only one who can defeat these monsters and how they can just casually go out to dinner without the military being on their ass)

But that's nothing that isn't solvable.


As a side note: I highy suggest changing the name Doris. I don't exactly think exotic amazonian warrior from another dimension when I hear this.
Click to expand...

Thanks, I’ll keep this in mind. Funny thing, though, I pulled the name Doris from a historical list of names for the actual Amazons. I will try a different name, maybe.
 
Yeah, that happens with names sometimes. Might be my background influencing me. Back from where I'm from Doris is a name most people identify with a middle aged woman lol
 
It seems to me that what you have here is an interesting individual thread for a story, but the question is, can it branch? Is there enough here to have multiple plotlines to explore?

I think there is. What you've basically got here is a premise for a SuperHero(ine) story, and decades of successful and diverse comic books have shown us that there's plenty of possibilities there. Examples of where the story could branch include:

- Does Doris assume a secret identity, or does she work out in the open?
- Does she ally with the government and military, or go it alone?
- How does the world see her? Do they embrace her as a hero, or unfairly blame her for the chaos which came through the portal with her?
- Does Doris focus on trying to get home, or does she actually like this new world where she's ended up?
- Is Brian still trying to bring another woman through the portal who is better-suited to his desires? How does this affect the story?
- Speaking of Brian, does he end up becoming the main villain of the tale, or is he one of the good guys who just messed up?
- Does Doris intend to train Nichole to be a warrior woman like herself, or does she insist on protecting Nichole from potential harm?

I'm a big fan of stories with a lesbian protagonist and I would contribute if it gets written!
 
TekoPenn said:
Thanks, I’ll keep this in mind. Funny thing, though, I pulled the name Doris from a historical list of names for the actual Amazons. I will try a different name, maybe.
Click to expand...

This issue is called the "Tiffany problem." Sometimes when you have a story set in history, readers/viewers/players will come across some detail that seems anachronistic, when it is not. Tiffany for example is another extremely old name, but people who write fantasy or historical fiction try to avoid it, because they fear that readers would complain that the name is too modern.


This is also why Terry Pratchett named one of his main characters Tiffany in a Discworld novel. Because it is not his fault if someone thinks that the name is stupid for a fantasy character.
 
Gambio said:
My initial thought while reading this is to cut out Brian completely, he seems to serve very little purpose beyond being the instigator and any drama(being pissed at him for kidnapping) would be better used for tension between Nicole and Doris.
Click to expand...

Brian seems like he's set up to be the villain - he summons a gorgeous dream woman who falls in love with his assistant? That's Mad Scientist origin story material.

It seems like the natural progression is that Brian summons Doris, she falls for Nicole, and then Brian does the experiment again without Nicole. Either hoping to summon a hetero warrior babe or as vengeance, and *that* is what releases the monsters.
 
raziel83 said:
The video does show that Tiffany (with different spellings) was a medieval name and even the modern spelling is old.
Click to expand...
Medieval is pretty recent in the grand scheme of things. Just look at the 5 most popular female baby names in the US right now: Olivia comes from Latin (2nd century), as does Amelia. Emma is 7th century Norman, Charlotte is 14th century French or Italian (or possibly 17th century), and Sophia is Byzantine-era Greek.
 
To keep derailing this thread a little, I've always found it amusing that Greek names went from Agamemnon, Odysseus, and Hercules, to Jason, Phillip, and Alexander.
 
Xenolan said:
It seems to me that what you have here is an interesting individual thread for a story, but the question is, can it branch? Is there enough here to have multiple plotlines to explore?

I think there is. What you've basically got here is a premise for a SuperHero(ine) story, and decades of successful and diverse comic books have shown us that there's plenty of possibilities there. Examples of where the story could branch include:

- Does Doris assume a secret identity, or does she work out in the open?
- Does she ally with the government and military, or go it alone?
- How does the world see her? Do they embrace her as a hero, or unfairly blame her for the chaos which came through the portal with her?
- Does Doris focus on trying to get home, or does she actually like this new world where she's ended up?
- Is Brian still trying to bring another woman through the portal who is better-suited to his desires? How does this affect the story?
- Speaking of Brian, does he end up becoming the main villain of the tale, or is he one of the good guys who just messed up?
- Does Doris intend to train Nichole to be a warrior woman like herself, or does she insist on protecting Nichole from potential harm?

I'm a big fan of stories with a lesbian protagonist and I would contribute if it gets written!
Click to expand...

Heyo, I know it's been a month since you replied, but I wanted to say thanks for the feedback. It's got my gears turning a bit.

raziel83 said:
This issue is called the "Tiffany problem." Sometimes when you have a story set in history, readers/viewers/players will come across some detail that seems anachronistic, when it is not. Tiffany for example is another extremely old name, but people who write fantasy or historical fiction try to avoid it, because they fear that readers would complain that the name is too modern.


This is also why Terry Pratchett named one of his main characters Tiffany in a Discworld novel. Because it is not his fault if someone thinks that the name is stupid for a fantasy character.
Click to expand...

That's a cool tidbit I didn't know before. Thanks for that. After I first posted this, I thought about changing the name, but now, I have a different idea. Why not make a recurring gag of people in-story pointing out how Doris sounds like a suburban wife's name rather than a badass warrior's?
 
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